Imagine a country: a hellscape of equality of opportunity, where every citizen of the greatest country on earth has a shot at their dreams. No, I’m not talking about Luxembourg, the country with the highest life expectancy, a list which: 82 years, a list which the the greatest country on earth doesn’t even make the top 16 (Martin 1). No, I’m not talking about Finland, the country with the highest quality of life (See note 1 at the bottom of the page, before the works cited) (Nitch Smith 1). I’m not even talking about Canada, the country with the highest level of education (Hess 2).
No, I’m talking about America: the country which invented freedom (Note 2)! The country where freedom isn’t free, especially not the freedom fries (Note 3)! We’re moving into a time where people with hyphenated hispanic names rule sway, and the wrong color kids get put into cages! This country needs to keep the brown kids in cages, that way the white kids can roam free range! We need our white meat strong, and pure! We need a nice clean country with all the purell and tide pods we can eat! And when someone tells my kid to get off their phone, I can say “Hey fuck you buddy, I work 120 hours a week for this family plan, and I like it!
So go out there and vote! Or don’t! Just make sure that when you get your information, you go somewhere online that hasn’t been vetted by anybody with a college degree, because in order of evil it goes: 1. Socialist 2.Terrorist 3.Democratic Socialist 4.Communist 5.Democrat, and way down at the last possible spot on the order of all the things that are evil, with number one being the most evil thing possible in the world, and number kajillion being the least evil thing in the world, being something which is in fact good for the country, I’d put those fine young boys who rallied down in Charlottesville, VA. We need our white boys strong. In fact, we should take the blue out of the flag. What is ‘blue’ anyway? Well, it’s really just the opposite of red, and what is red? Red is blood! Red is life! Red is purity! Red is White! That means blue is black! We need the blue taken out of our flag! Who invented the blues!?: Black people! Who invented the flag!? White people!
I recently saw a video on Youtube (where I get all my news) that rang true. It was a video by the fine patriots at Prager University (Note 4). In it, the video talks about the long history of how the Democratic party has not been the friend to black people (Inconvenient 1). The democratic party (according to Prager U) (Note 5): 1. defended slavery 2.started the civil war 3. opposed reconstruction 4. founded the Ku Klux Klan 5. imposed segregation 6. perpetrated lynchings 7. fought civil rights acts 8. Aided the Nazis until the end of WWII (Note 6) 9. Created typhoid Mary 10. Killed Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman and finally 10. Shot J.R. (Note 7).
So just remember, if you want to finish helping make The Third Reich America Great Again, you’d better get out there and VOTE this TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 6, 2018 (Note 8).
- Quality of life is measured as a mean of the ‘Social Progress Index’, which collates the scores of three main indexes: 1. “Basic human needs”, including medical care, sanitation, and shelter 2. “Foundations of Wellbeing”, including education, access to technology, and life expectancy 3. Opportunity, as measured by personal rights, freedom of choice, and general tolerance (Nitch Smith 1).
- Quality of life is measured as a mean of the ‘Social Progress Index’, which collates the scores of three main indexes: 1. “Basic human needs”, including medical care, sanitation, and shelter 2. “Foundations of Wellbeing”, including education, access to technology, and life expectancy 3. Opportunity, as measured by personal rights, freedom of choice, and general tolerance (Nitch Smith 1)
- According to the National Potato and Onion report published just three days ago, the russet burbank potato (from which the Mcdonalds french fry is cut) is listed as: “MARKET CARTON 90-100s SLIGHTLY LOWER, OTHERS STEADY” Meaning that your beloved freedom fries, while they will never be ‘free’, are still affordable, provided you’re a real american and you work a real job, not some stinko-pinko commie college educated diaper-for-a-hat-wearing liberal (National Potato 1).
- Not an accredited academic institution and does not offer certificates or diplomas.
- See Note 4
- Not that Nazis are a bad thing, if you identify as one and are an American citizen.
- 8-10 are not true, but don’t let the fake news media find out, otherwise we’ll be looking at tomorrow’s headlines.
- “America” “Make America Great Again”, “America”, and “Freedom” and all relevant ideology are property of The Trump Organization, Koch Industries, Exxon Mobil, News Corp, and all other affiliates.
Hess, Abigail. “The 10 most educated countries in the world”. cnbc.com, CNBC, 7 Feb. 2018, https://www.cnbc.com/2018/02/07/the-10-most-educated-countries-in-the-world.html.
“The Inconvenient Truth About The Democratic Party”. youtube.com, PragerU, Prager University, 22 May 2017, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g_a7dQXilCo&t=217s.
Larsen, J. A. O. “Freedom and Its Obstacles in Ancient Greece”. Classical Philology, Vol. 57, No. 4, The University of Chicago Press, Oct. 1962, JSTOR.
Martin, Will. “The 16 countries with the world’s best healthcare systems”. nordic.businessinsider.com, 13 Jan. 2017, https://nordic.businessinsider.com/the-16-countries-with-the-worlds-best-healthcare-systems-2017-1/.
“National Potato and Onion Report”. ams.usda.gov, United States Department of Agriculture, 6 Jul. 2018, https://www.ams.usda.gov/mnreports/fvdidnop.pdf.
Nitch Smith, Matthew. “These countries have the highest quality of life”. weforum.org, World Economic Forum, 1 Jul. 2016, https://www.weforum.org/agenda/2016/07/these-countries-have-the-highest-quality-of-life